Živi, voli, smij se

RazmišljajućiU posljednje vrijeme puno razmišljam i pjesnički depiliram sa sinom o životu, roditeljstvu, poslu, vezama itd. Život vas napada u fazama i prisiljeni ste donositi odluke koje nikada niste željeli.

Faza 1: Brak

Prije otprilike 8 godina bio je to moj razvod. Morao sam shvatiti mogu li se nositi s tim da budem otac 'vikenda' ili samac. Odabrala sam ovo drugo jer nikako ne bih mogla živjeti bez svoje djece.

Tijekom razvoda morao sam shvatiti kakav ću čovjek biti. Hoću li biti bijesni bivši suprug koji je bivšeg odvukao na sud i izvan njega, zlostavljao bivšu djeci ili ću uzeti blagoslov da imam svoju djecu i krenuti glavnom cestom. Vjerujem da sam krenuo glavnom cestom. Još uvijek često razgovaram sa bivšom suprugom i čak se molim za njezinu obitelj ponekad znam da se muče. Istina je da na ovaj način treba puno manje energije i mojoj djeci je puno bolje za to.

Faza 2: Rad

Na poslu sam i ja morao donositi odluke. U proteklom sam desetljeću napustio više od nekoliko izvrsnih poslova. Jednu sam ostavila jer sam znala da nikada neću biti ono što moj šef želi. Nedavno sam napustio još jedan jer nisam bio osobno ispunjen. Ja sam u sada fantastičan posao to me izaziva svaki dan ... ali realna sam da ni mene vjerojatno neće biti ovdje desetljeće.

Ne radi se o tome da sumnjam, nego mi je ugodnije sa svojom 'nišom' u marketingu i tehnologiji. Volim se brzo kretati na poslu. Kad se stvari usporavaju i tvrtke trebaju one vještine koje me ne zanimaju, shvatim da je vrijeme da krenemo dalje (iznutra ili izvana). Shvatio sam da sam kad radim na svojim snagama puno sretnija osoba nego kad se brinem za svoje slabosti.

Faza 3: Obitelj

Sada se približavam 40-oj i došao sam do točke u svom životu u kojoj moram donositi odluke i sa svojim vezama. U prošlosti sam trošio puno energije na stvaranje obitelji koja je 'ponosna na mene'. U mnogo je razloga njihovo mišljenje bilo važnije od mog vlastitog. S vremenom sam shvatio da su uspjeh mjerili mnogo drugačije nego ja ikad.

Moj se uspjeh mjeri srećom moje djece, kvalitetom i količinom čvrstih prijateljstava, mrežom suradnika, poštovanjem na poslu i proizvodima i uslugama koje pružam svakodnevno. Mogli biste primijetiti da titula, slava ili bogatstvo nisu bili tamo. Nisu bili, niti će ikada biti.

Kao rezultat, moja je odluka bila ostaviti ljude koji me pokušavaju povući prema dolje umjesto da me podignu. Poštujem ih, volim i molim za njih, ali jednostavno više neću trošiti energiju na pokušaje da ih usrećim. Ako nisam uspješan u njihovom mišljenju, oni mogu zadržati svoje mišljenje. Ja sam odgovoran za moju sreću i trebali bi prihvatiti odgovornost za svoje.

Kao otac oduševljen sam tko su mi trenutno djeca i bezuvjetno ih volim. Naši svakodnevni razgovori vode se o onome što su uspjeli, a ne o svojim neuspjesima. To je reklo da sam težak prema svojoj djeci ako ipak ne ispunjavaju svoj potencijal.

Ocjene moje kćeri prošli su tjedan znatno pale. Mislim da je većina toga bila što je njezin društveni život postao važniji od školskog rada. Ipak ju je boljelo kad je dobila ocjene. Plakala je cijeli dan jer je u pravilu studentica A / B-a. Nije bilo očito koliko sam razočarana, već koliko je bila razočarana.

Katie obožava voditi u klasi i mrzi biti na dnu. Napravili smo neke promjene - bez posjeta prijateljima radnim danima i bez šminke. Šminka je bila teška ... Stvarno sam mislila da će mi očnim jabučicama izgorjeti rupe. U roku od tjedan dana, ocjene su joj se počele vraćati. Ona više ne gori rupe u meni, pa čak mi se i smijala neki dan u autu.

To je težak zvuk, ali dajem sve od sebe da naglasim pozitivno, a ne negativno. Pokušavam ih usmjeriti u smjeru prekrasnog mora, ne podsjećajući ih uvijek na oluju iza njih.

Kako se moja djeca osjećaju ugodno s onim što jesu, sve mi je draže ono što postaju. Oduševljavaju me svaki dan. Imam nevjerojatnu djecu ... ali nemam nikakvih zabluda o tome tko "mislim da bi trebao biti" ili "kako bi se trebao ponašati". To bi oni trebali shvatiti. Ako su zadovoljni sobom, svojim životnim smjerom i sa mnom ... onda sam sretan zbog njih. Najbolji način na koji ih mogu naučiti je pokazati im kako se ponašam. Buda je rekao: "Tko god me vidi, vidi moje učenje." Ne bih se mogao više složiti.

Faza 4: Radost

Sjećam se a komentirati malo prije od dobrog 'virtualnog prijatelja', Vilijam koji je pitao: "Zašto se kršćani uvijek moraju identificirati?". Nikad nisam odgovorio na pitanje jer sam o tome morao puno razmišljati. Bio je u pravu. Mnogi kršćani objavljuju tko su sa stavom 'svetiji od tebe'. William ima puno pravo izazvati ljude zbog toga. Ako se postavite na pijedestal, budite spremni odgovoriti zašto ste tamo!

Želim da ljudi znaju da sam kršćanka - ne zato što to jesam, već zato što se nadam da ću jednog dana biti. Trebam pomoć u svom životu. Želim biti ljubazna osoba. Želim da me prijatelji prepoznaju kao onoga kome je stalo, izmamio im osmijeh na lice ili ih nadahnuo da svojim životima učine nešto drugačije. Dok sjedim na poslu i radim s tvrdoglavim dobavljačem ili greškom koju rješavam u krugovima, lako mi je zaboraviti veliku sliku i izgovoriti nekoliko riječi. Lako mi je da se naljutim na ljude u tvrtki koji mi teško padaju.

Moje (ograničeno) viđenje učenja u koje vjerujem govori mi da ti ljudi iz te druge tvrtke vjerojatno naporno rade, imaju izazove koje pokušavaju prevladati i zaslužuju moje strpljenje i poštovanje. Ako vam kažem da sam kršćanin, to me otvara za kritiku kad sam licemjer. Često sam licemjer (prečesto), pa mi slobodno dajte do znanja da nisam dobar kršćanin, čak i ako nemate ista uvjerenja kao ja.

Ako uspijem shvatiti 4. fazu, napustit ću ovaj svijet vrlo, vrlo sretna osoba. Znam da ću doživjeti istinsku radost ... Vidio sam takvu radost kod drugih ljudi i želim je za sebe. Moja mi vjera govori da je to nešto što Bog želi ja da imam. Znam da je to nešto što treba uzeti, ali teško je odbaciti loše navike i promijeniti svoje srce. Ipak ću nastaviti raditi na tome.

Nadam se da ovo nije bio previše gadan post za vas. Morao sam se malo pozabaviti svojim obiteljskim problemima, a pisanje transparentno mi puno pomaže. Možda će i vama pomoći!

13 Komentari

  1. 1

    GREAT post! And I love knowing that I’m not the only parent that punishes by taking away the makeup. My daughter thinks eyeliner is her best friend. It’s amazing how quickly she “gets it” when she’s not allowed to have it. 🙂

    • 2

      Eyeliner is the father-of-a-13-year-old’s enemy. 🙂

      I think make-up is a slippery slope. I’ve never been a fan of a lot of make-up and my theory is that women use more and more because they get desensitized to how beautiful they really are. So… if you’re 13, you wind up looking like a Picasso by the time you’re 30.

      With a make-up break, I’m hoping Katie can see how beautiful she is and then use less later.

      • 3

        I agree. Although my daughter’s eyeliner skills came in very handy tonight as I was getting ready for the Heartland Film Festival Crystal Heart Awards gala. She proclaimed that I was “doing it wrong” and proceeded to very tastefully make up my eyes. Yeah, I’m not a big fan of makeup, mostly b/c I don’t like spending the time on it. Many women that put it on with a trowel should stop b/c they are actually very beautiful underneath. You’re a good father for trying to teach your daughter what beauty really is.

  2. 4

    Wow, what a post Doug! I really like your attitude.

    You know, there’s a great overlap between Christianity and Islam when it comes to family and social values. A lot of what you said you believe in exemplify many of Islam’s teachings. It’s funny that sometimes non-Mulsims like you do a better job of demonstrating Islamic values than some Muslims themeselves.

    So for this, I salute you! Keep up the positive attitude. You’re a great blogger, and you sure as hell sound like a hell of a dad.

    • 5

      Thanks AL,

      It’s funny you say that. I have read the Qur’an and have some friends that are Islamic. Every time we get together we find so much in common between our religions. Thanks for your compliments as well – I don’t think I’m as a good a parent as I could be, but I am trying!

  3. 6

    Sorry to say it, but this post has me debating whether to unsubscribe or not – for a few reasons:

    1. This is a blog about marketing (or that is my impression). While it’s fine to add personality and fine to mention your beliefs, a long post about religion turned me off.

    Don’t get me wrong; religion is fine and I respect your beliefs. But religion is personal, and I don’t really think it has a place on a business blog. If I wanted to read about religion, I’d subscribe to blogs with religious views.

    2. Writing about a teenage girl crying all day over bad grades makes me feel sick to my stomach. The kid isn’t disappointed, she’s most likely scared of your reaction!

    3. Writing about punishing a kid for bad grades after she cried all day (which isn’t really a normal teenage girl reaction) makes me feel even sicker. Punish someone when they’ve done something wrong and don’t regret it, sure. But when someone has made a bad choice, realized it, learned from it and is ready to do better next time, leave it at that. Let the girl build confidence. Let her do better because she wants to – not because she’s scared of punishment.

    I respect that you may or may not agree with me. I just thought you might like to know why this blog post missed the mark completely with me.

    • 7

      Bok James,

      Thanks for taking the time to write. If you feel compelled to unsubscribe, I’d be sorry to see you go but I’m okay with that. This is not a corporate blog, it’s a personal one. As such, I advise my readers on my craft but I’m also transparent in relaying my beliefs with my readers.

      Over time, I’ve become great friends with readers of my blog – mostly in part to the fact that I share both my work and my life with my readers. I do; however, keep my personal posts in my “Homefront” category so that you can avoid reading them if you’d like.

      I respect your opinion on what happened with my daughter as well. My daughter isn’t locked up anywhere :), she has quite a setup… cell phone, mp3 player, computer, television, etc. so she’s hardly ‘punished’ although taking away makeup was what gave her a hard time. I can guarantee you that she is not afraid of me. She may get upset if she thinks she disappointed me, but I’ve never given Katie a reason to be ‘scared’.

      I’m not so sure, at 13, I should have ever allowed her to put on makeup but she’s a good girl with good grades and a great attitude – so I try to give her the freedom she wants. When she shows me she can handle it, I never put boundaries on her. If you’re a parent, you know how difficult these situations are.

      I hope you stick around and get to know me! There’s good info on this blog and I love to share what I learn in the industry.

      Živjeli,
      Doug

  4. 8

    Fair enough, Doug. I have a business blog as well with a category called “Personal Ramblings” for the same kind of stuff. The site’s layout and coverage so far had given me the impression it was a strictly business blog.

    I find myself in a very odd position on the Internet. I’m Canadian, and our culture tends to be far more quiet about religion than our American neighbors, many of which who tend to be quite extremist (in my opinion, and I’m not saying you’re extremist). I respect people’s beliefs and have my own as well, I just don’t like being force-fed.

    Unfortunately, that extremism has left me very wary of being bible-thumped, and my radar for the incoming thumping seems to be set on high sensitivity. So if I won’t get thumped here, I’ll stick around. Fair deal?

    As for daughters… It’s good to hear that you recognize teens need that freedom, and thanks for clearing that up. I firmly believe the tighter the leash, the more trouble parents set themselves up for. I also don’t “get” parents who wield a heavy hand with their kids. It just isn’t the answer.

    And…Got a 14-year-old and a toddler myself, so I can relate to the challenges of parenting and the power of makeup.

    Thanks again for your response. I had a bit (okay a lot) of a knee-jerk reaction to the post, so to share a little about me so you don’t think I’m a complete ass, read up on my post about knee-jerk reactions.

    • 9

      We Americans like to shove everything in everyone’s face – war, wealth, technology, music, religion… you name it and we’re proud of how bad we mess it up! When one of us is sincere, it’s difficult to take us serious.

      I lived in Vancouver for 6 years, graduating from High School there. In fact, my Mom’s side of the family are all Canadian. My grandfather is a retired officer from the Canadian forces. I’m a huge fan of Canada and can still sing the anthem (in English, I forgot the French version). My mother is Quebecois, born and raised in Montreal.

      I joke with my high school buddies that America couldn’t ask for a better toque than Canada!

      Thanks for your thoughtful response… I never took it that way at all.

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